Ya’ll might remember “Darth Vader Kill Voice” from my days commuting to San Francisco on Caltrain when dealing with unruly mid-teens on public transit. The voice that renders them quiet and compliant almost instantaneously? yes. that one.
My new commute takes me through the migration routes of unruly cycling spawn on their way to elementary, middle and junior high schools. As a motorist – I’ve seen them take over lanes of the road, completely indifferent to motor vehicles. In my first few days commuting I’ve seen several near misses and almost accidents caused by Indifferent Cycling Spawn (ICS) including one turning left IN FRONT OF A MOVING CAR. The brave little spawnlet was using his arm signal (win!) but nearly got himself killed (fail!).
So – fast forward to this morning and I’m cycling along and suddenly I’m swarmed by chattering distracted ICS on their way to middle school. They were blocking the lane on a busy throughway and just being oblivious. When an impatient motorist honked, the leader of the ICS flipped the motorist off. That’s when I used Darth Vader Kill Voice.
“Ride to the right and get out of the lane before you get yourself killed. and don’t be assholes, seriously that’s not cool”
The ICS snapped to see where DVKV had come from and immediately yielded to the right – and had that look on their face like their Dad had just caught them being assholes. The motorist slowed at the next light, rolled her window down and inquired about what magic words I’d used to correct their behavior, and I told her it was my “or I’ll beat you within in an inch of your life” tone more than what I said.
Her response, “can you escort me through the neighborhood every morning?” (laughing) The light changed and we went on our merry way.
So, ICS Beware! – Princess is now riding your morning migration route. and the general rule is “don’t fuck with the Princess”