Explain that to your burned crotch

“The worst thing you can do is say, ‘smile sweetheart’ to an unhappy woman,” I suggested.

“But she looked miserable.”

“She is the overnight Denny’s waitress in Bumfuck, Nevada; of course she’s miserable.”

“At least she’s employed, has benefits, and gets to wear a fun yellow dress and matching scarf to work each day.”

“Right, sounds so good. Why don’t you give up your Silicon Valley programming job at 120K and come out here and serve Grand Slams for minimum wage plus tips.”

“Well…”

“And speaking of tips, telling her that forgetting your fruit compote wasn’t going to help her tip. Way to keep it classy. I just can’t take you anywhere nice.”

“How am I supposed to eat waffles without compote?”

“Explain that to your burned crotch from the cup of coffee she ‘accidentally’ knocked in your lap.”

“Point taken.”