"Nothing worth doing is every easy," my father used to volley at me, in between puffs on his pipe, "You need to realize that approaching everything from laziness is going to get you nowhere fast." Forty-two years later, and that conversation plays in my head like it happened this afternoon. My mind will play a litany of failures - and these uninvited reminiscences happen right before slumber. Terrible romantic breakup conversations played like I am experiencing them for the first time. The moment I realized the military had caught on to the fact I loved men is a favorite of this particular cinema of my mind.

I read about people plagued with nightmares and terrors - or worst yet, never being able to get to sleep in the first place. That is never my problem, just getting there. Lately, I have started talking to these apparitions - 'that's enough now' I'll say sternly. So far, nobody has dared talk back.
23. April 2018