Mobile Assessment

They were at the Eagle scanning the Sunday Beerbust, when he mentioned how handsome he thought a particular man was.

“He’s the kind that won’t ask before taking selfies in bed after sex,” his friend observed.

“What? How could you possibly know that?”

“You never pay attention to social clues. See,” he said pointing and then gesturing at his own jeans’ pocket, “HTC ONE in the left pocket. Which means he doesn’t care about the phone part, he won’t be calling you back, but a high-pixel, self-facing camera? That’s hot. It’s all about him, and selfie-selfie-selfie.”

“OK, Doctor Sociology, what about his friends?”

“Well, his buddy is iPhone 5s in the right-front pocket. Which means he likes other men to text him long and hard. I bet he can receive unlimited data and his phone is on extra high vibrate. Mr. Pornstache next to him keeps his phone in the flap of his leather vest where he used to keep poppers. Or perhaps still does. So he hides his submissiveness or active natures; he’s probably a long- winded blogger. But it’s shorty on the end I feel bad for.”

“Why is that?”

“He has a Captain Kirk flip phone that was briefly hip in 1994. He goes to the restroom to check for messages, I saw him there earlier, and the poor thing doesn’t have a camera.”

“Perhaps, he’s a public school teacher on a budget and he has other priorities. Like paying for a good leathercrafter. His leather is tailored superbly. He probably also has a personal trainer, because his biceps say “lick me” and his butt is divine in his chaps. I bet he owns leather bound editions of Thoreau and Emily Dickinson. I bet he knows how to send flowers. You can’t judge a trick simply by their cell phone shape and pocket location, you need a wider, more holistic view.”

His friend paused for a moment, taking in Mr. Flip Phone a second time. You could see him reassessing.

“You’re getting good at this! If Flip Phone can make great French toast served with organic fair trade coffee after making passionate, hard-bodied love to me all night, he’s probably the most attractive of the whole gaggle.”